I read this article just now and it describes me perfectly.

I’m supposed to be an adult now that I’m in my 30s. And I have a son. But in so many ways I still feel like a kid, and there are still so many instances when I feel lost and don’t know what I’m doing. There are moments when I wish that I could do something more reckless and worry about the consequences later. To go with my feelings rather than thinking things through beforehand. But I need to be responsible, especially now that I have a family and a kid. My choices affect not just me, but the rest my family too.

Sometimes I get scared when I think of how my son is dependent on me, and that I’m responsible for bringing him up. I wonder how I am going to do that when I still have so many things I don’t know and so many things that I can’t do. I fear that I’ll screw up somewhere and it’ll have a negative effect on him. Can I be someone that he can lean on when I’m so weak myself? Can I be his rock, the person he knows that he can always come home to, when I need someone else to be that person for me?

Another thing I’ve realized is that I feel empty, lonely and unsatisfied recently. I love my son and I enjoy the time I have with him, but at the same time, I feel that that alone isn’t enough to satisfy me. That I need to do something else for myself as well that is independent from being a mum. I need an additional purpose in life. Work used to take that role, and but now that I’m a SAHM, I need to find something else that gives me purpose. I want to do something; learn something; experience something new. I want to travel and be stimulated by seeing another part of the world. I need to find “that thing” that I’m missing right now.

It’s going to take time though, and the journey to finding myself once again is going to be rough. I just hope that I’ll get the support I need during this time when I’m lost and feel less happy.

What I am very clear about though, is how much I value time with my family. Having the whole family, including my MIL together for the past few days has made me so happy. I want us to be able to spend more time together as a family, and to be able to do more things together. We have been apart more than we’ve been together in the past few years, and I hope that we can have an opportunity to live in Singapore again sooner rather than later. I really want us to live as a complete family there.