As I’m writing this now, I’m just hoping that I’ll actually finish and post it. It’s been almost 3 years since the last post here. I’ve been meaning to write, especially in the past couple of months, but it’s been difficult to.

The biggest change in my life recently was having a baby last October, and life has been rather challenging since then. I had a normal pregnancy, and delivery was fine except for the postpartum haemorrage, which made recovery slower and more difficult. While my wounds had more or less healed by 6 weeks, my energy only came back at around 2 months.

I’m physically fine now, but mentally, perhaps not so much. It’s been difficult transitioning from having a full-time job to being a stay at home mum. Loosing the freedom to do whatever I want when I feel like it, and being stuck at home with a baby that’s fully dependent on me has been rough. It’s tiring, yet boring at the same time because it’s repetitive. The hardest days to get through are the ones where he doesn’t nap and just keeps crying. It’s difficult for me when I can’t take a break and have some time to myself to recharge mentally, and as a result my patience runs thin and I get frustrated easily. I wonder why the baby just doesn’t want to cooperate, and then I get upset with myself for getting frustrated with the baby. And then I wonder why other people seem to have such an easy time while I’m struggling.

Reading forums and other blogs has been a great help. It reminds me that there are many other mums who feel the same way and share the same struggles, and seeing posts containing words of encouragement gives me more confidence and hope and things will get better, and that I will become better at this. I’m sure some of my friends have had similar difficulties as well, but we just tend to not bring them up unless we’re asked.

It’s difficult to talk about these things, even to your partner sometimes because it might seem like you’re falling into depression or complaining too much. But not getting it out just makes things worse. I see people resenting their partners for not lending them a listening ear, and not helping with the baby since they have a full time job while the wife stays at home. I read about mothers who are about to give up because they lack the support and understanding that they need. I just wish more people would understand how being a stay at home mum is a full-time job, how tough it is, and how there is hardly any rest or freedom in the early days if you have no one to help you out. Sometimes we just need to get away for a break, not because we don’t love our babies enough, but so that we can recharge and continue caring for them.

I love my son; I love his smiles, his chubby cheeks and his tiny hands and legs. I love it when he babbles and when he looks at me. Everyone says it will get better, and I’m just doing my best each day, hoping that things will get easier, and we can enjoy being with each other even more. I’m grateful that he’s healthy and has been developing well, and I’m grateful to have my mother-in-law helping out.

I want to talk to him, teach him new things and bring him to see the world. I’m sure we’ll get there.

There is light at the end of the tunnel.