ファンレター Fan Letter
From AKB48 Team K 5th Stage “Saka Agari”

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3 years have passed since we first met.
What kind of me is reflected in your eyes?

How much nearer have I come to reaching that dream I spoke of one day?

No matter when, you smiled and watched over me silently.
No matter when, you came walking under the sunlight filtering under the trees,
And enveloped me in gentleness.

In the frustration, loneliness and sadness that I can’t show others,
I feel down and wish for help.
The little self-confidence I had was broken.

I gave up, thinking that it’s impossible.
Right then, I received your fan letter.

While listening to your voice,
I came this far without getting lost.
You voice is like the light from the distant lighthouse.
Shining on me day after day, it showed me how to live…

It’s a long and difficult journey that leads to my dream.
You always wiped away today’s tears and said “be courageous”…

No matter when, you smiled and watched over me silently.
No matter when, you came walking under the sunlight filtering under the trees,
And enveloped me in gentleness.

That’s why there is a now.

The fact that I can be here today is because of the people that have been supporting me all this while. Thank you for watching over me, for the listening ears, for the shoulders I’ve leaned on, for accepting me despite my insufficiencies. It’s all these that kept me going on even during the times I felt like running away or giving up.

I’m really blessed to have met such wonderful people at each stage of my life. A new stage is about to begin, and deep in my heart I feel worried and scared. I try to take my mind off it, but the fact is that when night falls and things quieten down, these feelings come back to haunt me again. It’s a long and difficult journey ahead, and I can’t see where it will eventually lead me to yet. This is a really selfish request, but if I feel that I can’t go on anymore, please continue to lend me your ears and your shoulders. Please give me the courage that I need to take each step ahead of me, and a safe haven to come back to when I feel defeated.

4 years later, when I look back at this day, I hope that I’ve come nearer in reaching my dreams. I hope that I’ve grown to become a stronger and wiser person. I hope to say that despite the journey being tough, I’m glad I made it through just fine. And when I look back, I hope that my heart will be filled with this warmth as it is when I’m typing this out now, knowing that I was never walking alone.

頑張ります。

I matriculated last week, and it’s back to school again once the new semester starts next Monday. It feels kind of odd to return to being a student once again, and to be honest, I feel somewhat apprehensive about this whole PhD thing. It’s like I’m starting all over once again, not knowing anyone in this batch, having to go for lessons and take exams again, and so on and so forth. And I really don’t like that feeling.

But more than that, I know that it’s going to be a tough (academic) year ahead, and I’m worried that there might be times when I find it difficult to cope. 3 courses each semester (which includes lessons, projects/presentations and exams) + lab work + wedding preparations + church commitments… I don’t think I’ve ever had to juggle so many things at the same time before.

When I have so many things to do, there are bound to be times when I’m not able to put in my 100% into everything that I’m doing. I hate it, but sometimes I just can’t help it either, as I only have so much time and energy. I just hope that the people around me would understand, and not just assume that I’m not putting effort into what I’m doing. I think I will need all the support I can get during this period of time, with so many things to do and so many transitions going on (I am honestly no good when it comes to dealing with changes). I’ll try my best to not complain and let the stress get to me, but during the times when I struggle; during the times when I have to let it out, please just bear with me.

If you ask me why choose this path when I know I’ll be stressed and end up complaining… well, there are 2 main reasons:

(1) For the future and my family. I’m content with my job and I’ll probably be very happy to continue like this for a few more years. If things go well, perhaps I can even stop working after having kids, and just stay at home to look after them. Who cares whether I have a PhD then? I don’t think I would need it. But who can tell the future? It would be great if things turn out the way I’d like them to, but I cannot ignore the fact that bad times might strike, and in the worse case scenario, I would have to play a bigger role in supporting the family. Should that time ever come (I really hope not though), I don’t want to regret not doing my PhD so that I can actually advance in this field. (The sad truth is that in research, you’re pretty much stuck if you don’t have at least a Masters degree.)

(2) For myself. I hate getting out of my comfort zone, and to be perfectly honest, I like to take the easy way out, even if that means running away from things sometimes. But if I’m just going to stay in my comfort zone all the time, I’ll never know what I’m capable of, and I’ll miss out on learning some important lessons in life. Getting into the PhD programme means having to push myself, and I’d much rather try this when I’m still young and can take more knocks here and there. Thinking back, Junior College was a tough period for me, but those 2 years made me realise that I could do more than I thought I could, and that was because the environment made me push myself to test my limits. I hope that this PhD experience will be the same as well.

The road ahead is certainly not going to be easy, but if I don’t take this step, I’ll never know how far I can go. My goal now is to just make it past this first academic year. If I can manage doing so many things at one time, then I think I’ll be fine after that, when I can concentrate more on my labwork.

Now if only time would go by faster…

(Saka agari refers to the action of pulling oneself upward with a forward, circling motion, perhaps better shown by the video here. I’m not sure if there’s an English term that specifically describes this action though.)

This song really reminds me of the days when I was still in primary school. At the corner of the school, just beside the basketball court, were these horizontal bars that were used for the flexed-arm hang test, as well as a balancing beam and some other stuff. I remember how we used to play there whenever there was time. We would divide ourselves into 2 groups and play a game of rock, paper, scissors on the balancing beam, with the aim of getting from one end of the beam to the other. Each group starts from a different end, and the person playing at the moment had to walk quicky on the balancing beam, so as to cover as much distance as possible before meeting the opponent. A game of rock, paper, scissors would then ensue, and the loser had to get off the beam while the winner would be able to move forward and meet the next opponent.

When we were not playing on the balancing beam, we would sometimes play on the horizontal bars instead. These bars are not those used in gymnastics, but rather low ones that probably only reach around my hips now. We would hang on the bars and try to spin around, though I can’t remember if it was done the way as shown in the example video. To be honest, I don’t have much recollection of whether I actually spun around those bars (anyone remembers?), but I’m pretty sure that even if I did, I must have sucked at it. What I do remember though, is that there were people who accidentally hit their heads while spinning on those bars, and it really hurt.

It’s amazing how some songs are just able to bring back certain memories. I don’t really go about thinking of the games we used to play back in the primary school days, but upon hearing the song, I just went “oh yes I remember doing that!”. I wonder how many of us who used to play there still remember it… and what’s everyone doing now?

No matter how old you get, comparisons will always hurt. That’s a fact that will never be changed.

Why is it that when given a sheet of paper with a tiny black dot on it, some people will only see the black dot, and fail to realise the huge, white space around it? Why does that tiny bit of imperfection seem to cover everything else? Words like “no”; words that express disappointment… it’s no good if these are the only things that someone is always told.

It’s easy to spot the flaws of others as we interact with them. But rather on picking on these things, isn’t it more important to see what’s good about the other party? Everyone needs some encouragement and affirmation now and then. When we complain about someone not being able to meet our expectations, maybe we should think about the very thing we are unhappy about first. There are things about the other party that they can change, but there are also things that can’t really be changed, and we just have to learn to accept that. Perhaps we should look at ourselves too. If we keep asking ourselves what can’t so-and-so be more like this or that, is it because we really hope that the other party will improve in this area for their own benefit, or is it just that are complaining because we want others to behave in a certain way just to satisfy our selfish desires?

When we over-emphasise on the weaknesses of others, it doesn’t help them grow as a person, but hinders the process instead. Comparisons don’t help, because we are who we are, and even if we change, we cannot become somebody else. Putting down others is what we tend to do too often, and we simply forget that it’s more important to affirm and encourage. We crave for acceptance and recognition, but we don’t want to give that to others.

Because I know how it feels to be on this side, I don’t want to ever become someone that only sees the bad side of others. I don’t want someone to feel this way as well. There are times when we need to point out the weaknesses of others for their benefit, and when such an occasion arises, I hope that we will have the wisdom to use the right words and tone, such the other party benefits from it, and not be hurt because of our comments instead.

The youths did a personality quiz as part of their programme today, and us teachers joined in as well. I’m not sure where they got the quiz from, but when I saw my result, I thought it didn’t seem to describe me that well. Here’s the description:

You are fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. You are also kind, considerate, and understanding; always cheer people up and help them out.

I don’t think I’m fresh, lively, charming or amusing, and certainly not constantly in the center of attention. In fact, I think I prefer being in the background. And you know, I’m really bad when it comes to cheering people up.

I thought this one suited me more, minus a few parts:

You are sensible, cautious, careful and practical. You are also clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. You don’t make friends too quickly or easily, but will be extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. It takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over it if that trust is ever broken.

Maybe there are some things about myself that I’m not seeing, so for those who know me, which description suits me more?