Vocal Point’s “I’ll Be Missing You” is one of the few performances that brings tears to my eyes. It’s not technically the best, since there are some pitch issues, but that’s really understandable since the lead singer’s father passed away before the performance and this song was sung as a tribute to him.

The song made me think about the people I had lost, especially my grandfather. He passed away while I was still in primary school, and because I was still young then, I don’t have many memories of him. But what I remember was how he would look for me after church to pass me the toys he had bought for me. My parents would always ask him not to go to the expense, but he still bought them anyway. They were the cheaper kind that you could buy at provision shops back then, but I nevertheless liked them because he picked them out for me. I still remember his smile and how happy he was to pass me the toys…

My grandfather’s health had always been fine, and no one would have expected him to leave us so soon. But (assuming that my memory doesn’t fail me here) one day, he fell when he went out to buy bread. He hit his head in the process and was hospitalised. The injury didn’t seem too bad though and his condition was improving, but one day, things suddenly took a turn for the worse. He was admitted into the ICU, and I remember heading down to the hospital with my family, and waiting while my parents went in to visit my grandfather. They wouldn’t let me see him though, since he had tubes stuck into him and they were worried that I would be scared by the sight of it. That was the very last thing I remember before he passed away just like that.

I only saw my grandfather on Sundays, and even then it was just for a short while. But even though we were not close, and didn’t communicate that much, he’s the one I miss the most out of all my grandparents who have passed. There’s just something about the joy he had seeing us, and the warmth that surrounded him and will always stay with me. Most of the toys have since been broken or given away, but I still have 2 small figurines coming from a particular set of toys he gave me that I can’t bear to part with just yet – they’re a reminder of how he loved buying toys for me.

Are you local (i.e. Singaporean)? That’s a question I get asked once in a long while. I was asked that question again today while shopping in Sephora. I’m not sure whether they ask that question as a routine thing, since tourists get rebates while shopping there, but anyway, the point is that I was asked if I’m a local for yet another time in my life.

Sometimes I ask the person where do they think I’m from in return, and the most common reply I get is “Malaysian”. Which makes me wonder – what are the things that make us Singaporean? What about me does not make me appear like a local? Is it my looks, the way I dress, the way I behave, or…?

I’m not bothered about it, but it’s just one of the things that I’m curious to find out.

It’s less than 3 hours before the 22nd arrives, marking the start of my 25th year on earth. Along with being 24 came a lot of new experiences, and I hope that along with that, I’ve also grown as a person in the past year. At this time last year, I certainly didn’t forsee myself being in this position right now – doing my PhD, and planning to get married. It wasn’t all smooth-sailing along the way, but that’s just how life is, isn’t it?

In the past year, I think I’ve learn how to appreciate the people around me even more; not just my friends, but also the people who I might only meet once or twice, but I’ve shown me kindness in one way or another. I’m not good with expressing myself verbally, but I hope that in one way or another, I’ve managed to show them my appreciation.

When the clock strikes 12 and I turn 25, it’s yet another beginning for me. There are many worries and uncertainties lying ahead, but I know that I’ll be able to move forward no matter what. I know that I’m surrounded by so many wonderful people, and that I’m so undeservingly blessed.

In these last moments of being 24, my heart somehow feels so full. There’s this odd feeling of sadness like I’m leaving something behind (I blame my emo-ness during these couple of days on the hormones), but at the same time, I have hope in the future.

So long, the 24-year-old me.

All I really want right now is for things to go smoothly, and for the people around me to be well and happy. I’ve been looking forward to the photoshoot this Thursday and an enjoyable weekend after that, but somehow it seems like the streak of good things happening to me lately is coming to an end, and the not-so-good stuff are all following now.

I wonder if this is too much to even ask for?

It’s the end of the year once again… to be honest, I’ve been too unmotivated to write anything lately, but writing my end-of-year reflections on this blog has been something that I’ve done for the past few years, and I don’t want to stop that tradition now, hence I’m making myself write.

2009 was a year full of changes, and it’s no different this year as well. From starting my PhD to setting a date for my wedding and many other smaller things as well… there are many new things that happened this year. As I’ve said many times before, I’m not very good at handling changes, and it took me some time to adapt after some of these events, but I hope that I’ve become better at accepting changes, even if it’s just a little bit.

Last Sunday was the last service I had in church, and as per my church’s tradition, a few people were asked to go up on stage to share about their year. As I listened to their sharing from where I was seated, my heart felt full, and I was reminded of the many things that I had been blessed with, and the many things I could give thanks for.