24
03
2017

This has been weighing on my mind for a long time

What do you do when your husband works overseas, but you have difficulties and are not happy living there? I really want the whole family to be together, but I just don’t feel happy there. I have no friends, can’t bring baby out freely, and the language barrier gives an additional challenge as well. As a result, I end up depending excessively on my husband, which is not good. I’m happier here at home, and I have an easier time with baby, but it means that I won’t get to see my husband for extended periods of time, and he doesn’t get to see me and baby.

Some people think that I should give myself a few more months until baby is older, and then suck it up and move over. But can I force myself to make things work even if I’m unhappy? Does my happiness not matter at all? Am I not valued equally as an individual? I don’t want to feel miserable and let it affect the mood of the family.

Others think that the overall happiness of the family is more important, and if it were them, they would find a job back home so that the family stays together. But there are opportunities there that don’t exist here at home, and my husband is happy working there. It’s unfair for me to ask him to get a job here at home because he wouldn’t be happy. But at the same time, it isn’t fair for my husband to not have me and baby around too.

I’ve been thinking long and hard about this, but there just doesn’t seem to be a happy medium for my problem. The best way, I think, is for us to be based in Singapore and for my husband to travel to and fro. But that’s not possible right now, and I don’t see any chance of this being possible until at least 1.5 years from now. What do we do until then? Can we endure our current arrangement until then?

Thinking about this makes me feel sad and frustrated. I feel really bad that I can’t manage being there, but I’ve tried to push myself and I really had a hard time. Do my feelings not matter at all? Should they not matter at all? Where do we go from here? Will we arrive at a good solution? The future seems so uncertain and bleak right now.

How do families with babies or young children deal with having one parent work far away?

I just want my family to be together and for everyone to be happy, but at the moment, it just seems so hard. It doesn’t matter if we’re not rich. If we’re “normal”. I just want all of us to be happy together.

 

 

16
03
2017

Am I going through a 30s life crisis?

I read this article just now and it describes me perfectly.

I’m supposed to be an adult now that I’m in my 30s. And I have a son. But in so many ways I still feel like a kid, and there are still so many instances when I feel lost and don’t know what I’m doing. There are moments when I wish that I could do something more reckless and worry about the consequences later. To go with my feelings rather than thinking things through beforehand. But I need to be responsible, especially now that I have a family and a kid. My choices affect not just me, but the rest my family too.

Sometimes I get scared when I think of how my son is dependent on me, and that I’m responsible for bringing him up. I wonder how I am going to do that when I still have so many things I don’t know and so many things that I can’t do. I fear that I’ll screw up somewhere and it’ll have a negative effect on him. Can I be someone that he can lean on when I’m so weak myself? Can I be his rock, the person he knows that he can always come home to, when I need someone else to be that person for me?

Another thing I’ve realized is that I feel empty, lonely and unsatisfied recently. I love my son and I enjoy the time I have with him, but at the same time, I feel that that alone isn’t enough to satisfy me. That I need to do something else for myself as well that is independent from being a mum. I need an additional purpose in life. Work used to take that role, and but now that I’m a SAHM, I need to find something else that gives me purpose. I want to do something; learn something; experience something new. I want to travel and be stimulated by seeing another part of the world. I need to find “that thing” that I’m missing right now.

It’s going to take time though, and the journey to finding myself once again is going to be rough. I just hope that I’ll get the support I need during this time when I’m lost and feel less happy.

What I am very clear about though, is how much I value time with my family. Having the whole family, including my MIL together for the past few days has made me so happy. I want us to be able to spend more time together as a family, and to be able to do more things together. We have been apart more than we’ve been together in the past few years, and I hope that we can have an opportunity to live in Singapore again sooner rather than later. I really want us to live as a complete family there.

 

 

12
03
2017

Things I keep reminding myself of

1. Baby isn’t purposely trying to give me a hard time; he’s having a hard time himself.

2. When we face a problem, it’s us against the problem and not each person against the other. Going through so many major life changes at once is stressful for everyone involved.

 

 

11
03
2017

On family and loneliness

It’s been 6 months since I stopped working, and I’d never thought that I’d say this, but I kind of miss working life. Not so much of the work itself, but rather getting to be around people (and getting paid is a plus).

I am an introvert. I recharge by spending time alone. I thought that being a SAHM would be perfect for me; that I would be fine even if I spend most of my days with baby and no one else. But as the months passed, I gradually realized that the loneliness was starting to get to me. And it’s especially tough when husband works long hours and doesn’t spend much time at home. I enjoy spending time with baby, but I miss being around people that I can have conversations with. I need some adult interaction.

One of the things I’ve realized over the years is how much I value time with family. As a child, I hardly had time with my parents since both of them were working. I was taken care of by my grandmother and maid, and I would even spend some Saturdays at my grandmother’s place when she went home. My mum eventually stopped working when I was in primary school, but that was because of her poor health, and we couldn’t really go out or do many things together. It feels sad when I hear others reminisce about their childhood and all the things they did with their parents, because I don’t have many of such memories. I understand that my parents had to work to support the family, and it couldn’t be helped that they weren’t able to spend more time with me. It also couldn’t have been helped that my mum had poor health. But it just feels sad sometimes.

Now that I’m married and have a family of my own, I wish for more time with my new family as well. The truth is, this few years have been hard because husband is away most of the time. It’s been tough being in different countries and not seeing each other for long periods of time. And even though we’re together now, he works such long hours and is hardly around. I know it can’t be helped since he has to support the family. But I feel envious when I see other families being able to spend time together and I’m doing things alone with baby. I remember my childhood when my parents were too busy to spend much time with me. And it sucks. It’s so hard. I want us to be able to have more time to spend together as a family, but we also need the money. I want baby to have more time with both his parents, and not go through childhood like I did. All I can do now is hope that things will work out and we’ll have more time to spend together as a family, and hopefully that will happen sooner rather than later.

I’m doing my best to wait until then.

 

 

03
03
2017

The things I miss

Posted in Motherhood
Comments Off on The things I miss

On nice, sunny mornings, I wish I could slowly eat my breakfast, relax and enjoy the sunlight.
On rainy days, I wish I could snuggle under the sheets and take a nap.
On quiet nights, I wish I could chill and enjoy some “me time” before bed.

I wish I could still take a nap whenever I want, for however long I want.
I wish I could head out whenever I feel like it.
I wish I could have the luxury of sleeping through the night.
I wish I could have a little more time for myself.

These things aren’t possible now with a baby, but someday it’ll be possible again.
And I hope that when he gets a little older he’ll learn to enjoy these things too.

There will come a day when I can sleep through the night again.
There will come a day when he wants some time to himself and I can have more “me time” again.
There will come a day when we can both snuggle under the sheets together.
There will come a day when we can both laze in bed together instead of getting up early.
There will come a day when going out together gets easier and we both enjoy it.

I don’t know when that day will come, but it will get here eventually.
Hope keeps me going on days where I feel lonely and exhausted and miss my old life dearly.
That and my love for him.

 

 

 

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